Pedestrian Rage

Now with the whitening power of science AND Atheism!

2010-11-27T18:47:45Z

Ever wonder how to get rid of those pesky door to door mormons and whiten your teeth at the same time? Here's how!

The other day I am working in the studio and it happens to be the 30 minutes when I have the whitening strips in.

An aside here-- does anyone else find whitening strips as hellish as I do? Its not that I normally have a problem with not speaking for a half hour at a time, it is just that there is never any explicit mention of the side effects on the commercial...
Simultaneously dry your throat out and create copious amounts of stringy foamy spittle that fills your mouth (that you aren't supposed to swallow). Then if you can persevere you may need a pair of pliers to get the film off your teeth, all the while spreading the aforementioned drool over your fingers, mouth, and beard (yes, it makes you grow a beard too!)

I hear the doorbell and go out to investigate. At the security gate are 2 teenage Mormons, bible in hand and barely a hello before they start rattling into their usual speech.
I try pointing to my throat in what I thought was the universal sign for "I can't talk". Looking somewhat confused but still going through their robotic program of talk, talk, talking, they go on.

So I try to spell out "I can't talk" letter by letter using sign language. Apparently I am a bit rusty because they started looking nervous AND confused, as if I was casting a spell on them. Ever see an anxious chimpanzee? That faux smile, exposing all of the teeth while the head tends to wobble back and forth in a subtle "NO" pattern (sometimes a tight figure 8 as if they can't decide whether they agree or disagree with what is going on). That what was on the other side of the gate, times two.
I give up on the sign language and have to spit before I can even try to talk. So they see me spit out the stringy, foamy liquid I was talking about and say:
"Cant awk" More spit oozes over my lips and is now trailing into and dangling from my beard.
(and in an effort to get rid of them quickly)
"Af Sumfin?" and now I am mopping up my face with the sleeve of my hoody which is causing stringy spit trails between my sleeve, face and beard. A salivaweb constantly dripping apart to the ground below.

"Well there's this" and he proceeds to try to pass me a Mormon bible.

At this point I am a little mad both at them for not taking a hint and myself for coming out in the first place so I say

"NO! GimmeFamflef! (give me a pamphlet)

And now the spit is actually flying. Some of it making little streamers from my face to the gate and I am forced to spit again.

Angry guy frothing at the mouth must be the uncrossable line with trying to spread the word door to door.

A mumbled "sorry" and the pamphlet tucked into the security gate-- not even handed to me and then a brisk power walk away.

No have a good day, no God be with you, nothing.

While I cannot speak to the clarity of my everlasting soul, I can attest to my teeth being visibly whiter after 3 days.

Slutty for Comic Books!?

2010-10-12T06:18:30Z

Let's just call her Miss V.
And she is a slut. Now, I am not in the habit of throwing that around, especially sight unseen, but she called herself that--
in the title of a craigslist ad seeking an illustrator of comic book styles.

I am so regretful that I didn't copy that ad in its entirety. The following exchange took place over 10 minutes (including checking to see if the ad was removed to copy it for the purposes of telling you, the net's wandering readers)

The ad was titled Hot Slut Seeks Comic Book Artist
It mentioned needing a comic book artist, having a great writer available for the project, and pleasuring someone (how undetermined) in exchange for their (undetermined amount) of work. Ad also mentioned not trying to offend anyone about the "free" part of it, and poses the question to the reader- can't someone just be wild?

My initial response to the ad

Hello,
Check out my work at http://www.danielgrantillustration.com and
http://www.gutterfresh.com

I have also done some explicit stuff not on either site. A book for porn
star/producer Seymour Butts:

http://www.amazon.com/Rock-Her-World-Guide-Modern/dp/B003H4RAPO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1286387812&sr=8-1

How many people responding to you have been paid to draw fingering techniques and sex positions?

I am happily married but would not be opposed to something very voyeuristic-- you said you were wild. I think the big hook is: how much work do you need, what do you look like, and how wild do you get?

Check out my samples and get back to me with more details.
Thanks,
Dan LD Grant

Her response:

Your work looks great. And S. Butts is a dick. And I'm not as wild as you might want. Maybe you know another artist who will have the time?

(She asks for a referral to other skilled artists who want to work for free for a "slut" who is "not as wild as you might want"?) As I am not one

My retort:

******,
Thanks for checking out and enjoying my work.

Butts, a dick-- That's precisely why I don't post that work on my main site, as the association is often not positive. My work with him was fine so I have no idea what he may be like in the production of his movies (which I have never seen, so I have no idea if they are any good, how he treats women, etc)

And if you think I am too wild (at the prospect of just watching you) how would you intend to "pleasure" anyone? You are listed on your own site as a Porn Star and Belly Dancer. I would imagine that in the production of a porn, there are more people present and watching than there would be if it were just my wife and I watching you pleasure yourself.

I don't know anyone who would do that kind of work, especially not for free. I was thinking about the prospect of doing it for a life experience, something exciting and memorable.

Let me know if you are still interested. Otherwise good luck...

Now pay close attention to a glaring number of things to follow: the number of assumptions she makes, the leaps to insults, the extremely superficial judgements she makes, and the funniest is that I am a "jerk" for not wanting to do free work.

Her response:

I'm not a circus animal. I am looking to be intimate with a man who will work with me on a project. You dare question if I would even be able to "pleasure" anyone? No I don't find it pleasurable to act out for couples. I find that to be immature. I've not met one person in the swinger scene who I can say I enjoyed. They are mostly losers and they look down on adult workers when they look in my face telling me that they're open minded. And the people in porn productions are working. Yes, I'm sure they, along with the porn performers find things to be sexy when working but that's what it is, it's work. And you're no different than any other jerk with the not working for free comment.

You're not too wild for me. You're too complex and twisted for me to even want to be a barking seal for you or your wife. To be honest you look like a freak and I feel sorry for your wife since you've insulted me in text and I don't even know you. It's the "I don't know anyone who would do that kind of work, especially not for free." Loser.

Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but at least I am not getting cock-stabbed on film. In all honesty, I could care less that she is a porn person. But I do find it hilarious that: A) someone from that industry would find voyeurism to be the step too far and B) that a sex worker would be so judgemental. Um, isn't her entire vocation based on voyeurism? I also find it amusing that voyeurs are confused with swingers. By that rationale anyone who goes out to a strip club with their significant others is a swinger?! Now contrary to her opinion I am not that bad. Yeah sure, a little pervy-- but c'mon. Being the gentleman illustrator that I am-- I am not posting her name and I won't even post the movies she is listed in as I am giving her the respect of anonymity-- but lets say there are plenty of MILFs and "Moms" and "Squirters" in the titles. The most specific I will get is that she is in one of the (yes this is a series) Shorty Iz Fuckin' Yo Mama movies. Note the purposeful misspelling to give it more "street cred".

For clarifications sake I did ask how she intended to pleasure someone, not that she couldn't. "People in porn are working"-- Yeah lady, I get it. What the fuck did she think having meetings with you and your "great writer" about creating original art, finishing said art, and putting the work together in a packaged finished marketable product, is? It is work, retard. Yes I used the "r" word, as in one who is slow and impeded in thought process and functionality. This woman is retarded. If I am no different from any other "jerk" then maybe that's a sign. No one-- not even sex performers want to work for free. She obviously had a problem with her self esteem, negotiation, and the barter system in general.

As I said to this "lady", I was thinking of trying to get a life experience, a crazy and somewhat wild memory out of this. I guess in a strange way she gave me one and let me dodge the insanity of her own damaged personality at the same time. And I got out of doing any work that wouldn't pay me or lead to anything. And I stayed within the safety of my own home, and it really drove home how lucky I am to have an actual woman - in my wife, who can be smart and sexy without the damaged psyche (and psychopathy) that seems to follow in the wake of so many of the "wild, and beautiful" people. Somewhere along the line too many people thought they were on permanent audition for the Maury Povich, hell- fill in the blank with ANY inane "reality" show.

The scariest and funniest thing about all of this is that the trend of trying to make something marketable by making a comic book adaption has finally hit the porn industry. It feels that the job market is literally trying to fuck you over now, not just figuratively and spiritually. Welcome to the ball-scented casting couch of the dingy back room of the employment search. HR is supposed to be Human Resources not Humping Room. Suit, tie, and condom? I could continue beating this dead horse but apparently there is a sick desire to have it sexed and filmed-- but first to have a comic book about that created to generate buzz and interest in the project as a movie.

To end on a positive-- I know I haven't been creating and posting much new art lately as I have been focusing more on the commercial art and illustration that I do, but I do have a couple new shows coming up that I am creating work for. I will keep you posted...

Maybe Mother Earth will Love Me Back

2010-01-16T04:04:38Z

In the spirit of eco-paranoia and economic skittishness, I thought I would put together a list of helpful suggestions for clean and cheap living. You will have to get creative along the way. Get ready ☺!

1.   Try to stay home. The outside world is noisy, frightening, and expensive! With the exception of online shopping or gambling, staying inside or in the yard is the best way to save money. But don't answer the phone. They'll eventually get wise to you and start calling for money, information, and/or your time.

2.   While you are at home, you will not be eating out! If you don't make calls, you won't be ordering from catalogs or delivered food. You will be forced (ahem, liberated) to forage your cupboards and create a meal with unprepared ingredients. Supplement pantry staples with local flora and fauna (try to avoid poisonous plants and vermin waste). When supplies run low, plan a "freegan" expedition the night before garbage day as the neighbors put out their leftovers. Get there early for the best pickings.

3.   Don't go to church! You don't have to give up religion, but going to church expends resources: The cost of gas to get there, the donations and tithes usually given, and keeping up a "Sunday Best" wardrobe can get costly. Your god knows where you are, what you are up to, and whether you are praying regularly.

4.   Electricity: Don't use it! Turn off everything except one clock to tell you when it is time to go to work. In accordance with Steps 1 and 2, you should be afraid of the outside world that you are trying to preserve and save, so you shouldn't really need any entertainment or news about it--with the exception of checking for updates on Gutterfresh.com, of course. Also, since you're transitioning to scavenging purely environmental eating, you won't need refrigeration.

5.   Water, water everywhere! Don't drink it. Or water the lawn, or flush the toilet, or clean yourself. That's what the public domain is for. Now, this is kind of the scary part, because you will have to go out into public to achieve frugal yet environmentally friendly water usage. For drinking, teeth-brushing, and washing, go to your local library bathroom. For a more luxurious bathing experience, go to your city hall or local shopping mall. They often have water features, fountains, and wishing wells. Let the users' and operators' waste and disrespect for Mother Earth be your gain. (While you're at it, take some of those wishin' coins. Let someone else's dreams help yours come true!)

6.   Conservation of energy is the key. Don't let pride get in the way of this ultimate goal. Limit yourself to one set each of work clothes and casual clothes. You can stretch the use out of your work clothes by working less hard, thus creating less sweat that causes the clothes to require laundering (also reducing the amount of laundry soap mucking up the world's water supply). By working less hard, you also will require less sustenance (see Step 2). Your casual clothes may get a little more "lived" in, but that's okay. You will be wearing them when venturing to get clean (Step 5) or food (Step 2). You can air everything out by being naked when at home. Are you modest? Remember that, according to Step #, you will not be using electricity, so at-home nudity will be in the dark.

7.   When in Rome... hoof it! In the old days, people walked or used horses. What's wrong with that? People got around just fine and didn't complain about it. From now on, walk wherever you need to go. If you have a horse, attach a wagon and "cart-pool" with other mindful people. You will be severely reducing emissions, getting more exercise (which will make you lose weight and further reduce your need to consume calories like a fatty), and keeping your horse healthy.

8.   Get inventive☺! Did you know that if cut both ways, one piece of bread actually yields four pieces of toast!? A single roll of two-ply toilet paper is two rolls of single-ply! Think outside the (cardboard) box you may (unwillingly) be living in!

9.   Words are cheap and free! When in doubt, talk it out. You can save money by giving excuses or lies. Equally effective at diversion are compliments and apologies. The more informed and educated that those sound, the better they will be received. While you are at the library freshening up (Step 5), take a dictionary to the bathroom with you. Flowery language will help all of the excuses, lies, compliments, and apologies go over more smoothly. Plus, as your vocabulary expands, you my find yourself able to write poems or songs (to be sung a capella -- instruments cost too much) to replace any gestures or occasions requiring gifts. It is the thought that counts!

10.   Try to have fun.

Oh the Horror, the Whore-er!

2009-11-13T18:42:08Z

Well, it should come as no surprise that it is getting ugly out there in the work world. Not just ugly-- Fugly. Its bad enough that there seems to be a deluge of supposed galleries trying to scratch out profits by charging artists to pay for exhibition space, entry fees, and profiting off of artists mailing lists by charging admissions to the events...

But the "professional", "working" world, can make you feel like a "working" girl.
And I am not talking Melanie Griffith and Joan Cusack circa 1988.
I am talking about the proliferation of "this may lead to more work", "grow with us/our company", "we ONLY ask that applicants complete one project to prove their skills"-- All of which end up with you feeling like a whore.

These are some of those tales...
After a standard resume, introductory letter and links to the different work I have done, I got this reply:
Your website shows the kind of imagination we are looking for. Is everything on the site YOUR work? It's all pretty good.
Thank you for responding and we like your work. Attached is an Explanatory Packet. Please review it carefully and I hope to hear from you quickly, as we are starting the project immediately.
------
Yes, ALL of the work is mine. I have the concept and/or original sketches as well as the layered files to prove it.

Flattery will not get you free work from me. I know my work is good. What is both insulting and disturbing is the assembly line fashion in which you are trying to trick graphic artists into doing work for you. You are also lazily making it far too easy for the illegal copyright infringement of YOUR OWN IMAGES by putting blind links up.

And what should be an arrangement of paying more for fewer images you are proposing paying less for more. Basically instead of volume discounts you are giving the illusion of paying more over time. What is to say that anyone EVER makes it to the higher paying bracket of your work?

And to further clarify: IT IS ALL SPEC WORK, YOU FUCKWAD... whether you put in whatever wording you can think of; i.e., on acceptance, approved designs, usable designs, etc.

You should ask yourself the following question. What would your in-house team charge for a simple clipping path? I am guessing more than 5 dollars, which you are proposing to pay for a full design, most requiring at least a clipping path.

You should be ashamed of yourself.
Find a way to give credits for some college student and get a legitimate intern.

Or pay for the work you are asking for instead of trying to lure and trick people into doing work for you.

Notice how I used the term FUCKWAD.
They replied
Actually, your instincts that there might be more than meets the eye here, are pretty right on.

I am an inside recruiter (means I am an employee of the firm) for the largest global graphics design agency, with offices in Los Angeles as well as 14 other cities. In fact, we are scouting for a local team designer to work on national name accounts. The position will pay in the near six figures ($250K - $350K) and carry a title of divisional vice president. However, recruiting is far different in the electronic age than it was previously. Previously, companies like mine would hire an exclusive recruiter who would do the leg work and pre-interviews, thus saving inside officers like me, both time and error. At the level we are talking, we cannot afford to make a mistake. The ultimate designer will be interfacing with CEOs and COOs who are not forgiving of artist quirks and/or sensibilities.

Today, recruiters are relegated to using Craig's List, social networks, Monster, etc. There is so much garbage on these sites that they are almost worthless; yet paradoxically they are the only resource. At the same time, advanced technology combined with the economic times has created a plethora of available talent. I have gotten submissions from some very talented artists, yourself included. One huge problem, however is that I have no way of knowing how much or little help an artist had with an image that is on his or her website.

Thus, we need a filter.

This method of asking responders to send two submissions has worked fabulously as a filter. I don't hear back from the majority of first responders -- which is just fine with me. Procuring submissions tells me who can read instructions the first time, who has a "can-do" attitude, who has talent to quickly produce an ad sheet. (We estimate no more than 20 minutes per sheet; our current designers execute first drafts in under 10 minutes.) I also immediately learn who can write a cogent, literate email and frankly, who has an executive's understanding that "you only get one chance to make a good first impression."

By the way, I think you did misread one part. The more images accepted, the more we pay. Our ultimate goal, however, is to find -- through this process -- the person we can take into the executive corridor. And if the candidate ultimately does not make the grade, they will still have made close to a thousand dollars in their spare time.

Best regards --
Candace,

Despite your eloquent response, you are still banking on a creative's talent and desire to work to build a catalog of concepts and designs that could float any number of "executives" through any number of campaigns in any number of industries...

By the way, my wife is a top-level creative executive and has NEVER been asked to do free work. Also, having been represented by (and having a relative who worked for another) an executive search firm, your claims don't make sense.

If you are genuinely concerned with the placement of high-level creatives, you should have a thorough interview process during which you can request proof of previous work, from ideas through concept sketches, drafts, revisions, and tear sheets or proofs. You could also use references and do background checks to verify work claims...which is an acceptable practice to find high-caliber professionals.

Sorry to say so, but I find it hard to believe that this is all some covert operation to find qualified professionals; more likely, it's just another company pooling others' ideas to sell as their own. Don't worry: There are plenty of losers willing to let go of their concepts for free... The kind of people no smart business would take seriously as executive potential.

Sincerely,
------

There is also a problem of wanting an ENTRY LEVEL PERSON (which means they don't want to pay people anything and give them no authority, or title of value). The most sparklingly shining example of this crapola is a gem from craigslist. Craigslist, was originally founded on the idea of a user friendly community to connect people with local business, goods, services, etc. It is devolving into a somewhat hostile place of undervaluing services and fake internship postings. Soooo, unfortunately the original posting to which I am referring was flagged and deleted so fast that it was missing from the list just after I replied to them.

They were a gaming company. The ad title was "Are you the second coming of" programmer, artist? (and 2 or 3 other job titles in unrelated job categories). The interior goes on to say that they are searching for an UNPAID probationary candidate that is Christ-like in their abilities and has no problems complying with strict security measures-- one of them being working for 10-12 hours straight with no bathroom breaks. 6 professional references required-- remember this is an entry level position. They wanted professional expert proficiency in art programs both 2 and 3 dimensional, multiple programming/coding languages, project management, etc. The absurdity continues with a request for favorite animal and why.

SO here is what I sent them--
Subject: Lieutenant Master Disciple to the Messiah
Hey,

komodo dragon-- slow necrotic death.

You are saying that if the messiah did show up AND after giving 6 references you would still put him on probation for 6 months?
(Hope Jesus never shows up to you guys-- he would have to sneak salvation in while giving security the slip during one of his two allotted daily bathroom breaks)

Also most experts have, involve, or display specialized skill or knowledge derived from focused (of few or singular subjects) training or experience.
Unicorns do not exist despite the longing of preteen girls' folders and secret diaries.

There are the 1%ers though-- those rare individuals who don't fall into that other 99%
If I see them-- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Outlaw_motorcycle_club
I will send them on over.

P.S. I actually am a great artist. My point is that great artists typically do not do coding.
For my general site of design and illustration samples please go to:
(multiple site links inserted here for their reference)

The point of all this is that the paranoia of the recession is giving people just the excuse they are looking for to try to rip off creative service providers. It is maddening, and I had to vent... which may have to happen more frequently as I am sure this madness is all far from over.

Enough with the FANfare

2009-11-06T17:25:58Z

Enough with the FANfare!

I am getting a little irked by people I am linked into on networking sites, specifically Facebook, sending me the "suggestion" of becoming a "fan" of themselves.

"LD suggests you become a fan of LD..."

One of the biggest offenders of this is Julie Lynn Rasmussen. Let me preface this by saying I have never met her personally, so I can only describe the experience of being trapped on one of her mailing lists or being in one of her "friend" lists.

The experience of being the recipient of Ms. Rasmussen's marketing is to be carpet-bombed with every, E V E R Y announcement for one-night events that are very loosely under the umbrella of art shows (those one-night boozefests with DJs or live performances that so often have poor lighting to even see the art... you know, the ones I am always complaining about).

What is especially aggravating is that there seems to be no tailoring of what gets announced or to whom. It's all about as welcome as the tree-cutting service, mobile car wash, and maid service business cards that get shoved under your door, on your car's windshield, or passed out on an ongoing basis. The kicker: Along with these announcements are requests to be a fan of hers.

I stopped to check out her profile a few days ago. Narcissus would feel like she is trying to steal his thunder. Phrases such as, "I don't know why I am so popular" are thrown about with the clumsy lack of self-awareness of a three-year-old girl who insists that she is real princess and wears a tutu. When you are a kid, such unabashed self-assurance is okay. And as an adult, it's fine to have confidence, but to wear it on your t-shirt as if you are a natural resource like gold or water--not so much.

In lieu of calling her out and bearing the wrath of a village full of torch- and pitchfork-wielding zealots, I just blocked her from all of my lists.

Kind of related: I will spare you the specific aggravation of an artist I know who has four or five profiles (a couple personal and a couple "fan" pages) on one network site, aka Facebook.

Being an artist, I understand the separation of the art from the artist. But the premise of most of the social-networking sites is to be aware of what a person is up to. It is kinda beating, meating, and eating a dead horse to say that the real deal with being an artist is to create art. So a "real" artist should always be working on something in some capacity--thinking of concepts while prepping some boards and waiting for something to dry, like the 72 loooong hours for some topcoats to hard-cure. (Although, to be honest, for the last couple months my productivity has been down. I have at least 20-something pieces planned, but haven't been producing as much as I should and could be. I'm acting more like a hack than a working artist.)

See!? I am talking about myself and how it is relating to the craft of doing art. I don't need to create another profile to tell you that I "personally" created art for you to check out on another profile that is for the art itself.

It's stupid.

So, while I understand that there should be some differentiation between the personality of an artist and the art they produce (I personally find it difficult to be a patron of someone who is an a-hole or has some weird diatribes), they are very closely aligned.

The gesture of the request to be a "fan" seems strangely needy. Not many people have (or keep) friends who constantly ask if you are their friend.

You like me, right?

Patronizing Patronage

2009-10-30T16:17:26Z

Artists should be working on artworks...

AND collecting them.

I am always amazed at how few artists have no art (other than their own). It's strange that there are few other arts where that is acceptable or normal. Imagine authors with only their own books or poems on the shelf... dancers who don't go to anything or have any basis of another's style or influence for their craft... actors who don't go to plays or movies (there must be a reason that there isn't a trend of watching only monologues or screen or stage)... musicians who don't like music.

Why is it that so few artists actually have art collections? How can an artist expect anyone to make the same effort (of commitment, of spending) he can't bring himself to do? If you can't let something speak to you in a way that says you want to see it and have it become part of your world, fascinate, or speak to who you are, why would you expect anyone else to have that experience when viewing your art? Hell, in the very least, a purchased painting could be something to study and learn from. For all these reasons, I have collected and continue to (as money allows) collect art.

I have, in no order of favoritism, work/s by:

Nathan Cartwright
Mike Bilz
13:11
Rebecca Hahn
Josh Clay
Macsorro
Marlon McWilliams
Juri Ueda
Geoffrey Tjakra
The Creep
Prince of Cake
Didi Menendez
Erik Abel
Ichae Ackso

And those are the ones I can name off the top of my head. There are others too.

If you are really aware and "of the scene," you should be able to spot the good ones on the way up. I am still kicking myself over an Audrey Kawasaki we almost purchased about four years ago. Her success since has unfortunately muscled me out of acquiring her work anytime soon.

In the very least, I encourage artists to trade completed works. Don't do custom commissions or anything just for a trade. Instead, have a small group of pieces you'd be willing to part with, and find someone whose work you respect and/or believe in and do the same.

Though my usual ramblings are sarcastic and dark-humored, I believe that if more artists did this, there would be a better sense of community--and the individuals would be better for it. I think it would do much more for artists, at least as much as "collaborative works" which I have done a few of in the past.

NObama, Noooooooooooooooooo!!!

2009-08-18T18:05:52Z

What the hell is going on here? We seemed to have traded one President who was hell-bent on driving our resources past its limit for another. For all of the wandering battle-lust that people thought George W. was throwing us into, is Obama trying to sneak socialism on us in little increments and/or overextend us monetarily. Whereas Georgie was wasting our money through war efforts (both fronts which haven't really wound down totally even after a presidential change), Obama really just wants to hack the legs out from our economy.

Centralized Federal Health Care!!! I sure as hell don't want to pay for how poorly people take care of themselves. I also doubt that they'll give me any tax credit for all of the services I DON'T need. Those are both things that seem wrong but if they do one then they should do the other. Shouldn't I be given credit for being healthy to offset the real costs of taking care of morbidly obese diabetic 11 year olds living on happy meals, and Flamin' Hot Cheetos (quick aside, there was an actual local news item that some local schools were having to ban Flamin' Hots because too many kids were eating them competitively and/or for breakfast and were causing too much work for the school nurse because of all of the stomach pain it caused. Yes that was a featured news item.) This also doesn't take into account all of the immigrants who would be given access to the medical system for ALL procedures yet not giving to the tax pool-- which is why the California medical system as well as their other resources are strained, busted and broke now. Yeah lets take that "effectiveness" and make it national.

And the auto industry. Why is it that EVERY OTHER industry knows what to do when you have surplus. You have massive (not a couple grand here or there) reductions of overstock so that you aren't spending money on storage of aforementioned surplus.

On top of that is how gas is getting crazy expensive again, creeping up after the "authorities" have said that they were going to stop it from getting out of control. But here we are again and they are giving everyone the "summer screw" of sticking it to people during the months when they tend to travel more by car.

I mention this because if there was a genuine concern for the environment and the consumption of fossil fuels AND the real concern to keep the car manufacturers in business-- wouldn't it be in the best interest to have massively discounted AMERICAN cars on sale to get all of the old , less efficient (and maybe foreign) cars off the road?

That 3500-4500 discount rebate thing is a scam of its own too. The rope-a-dope is that after all of the re-shuffling and the gov't getting its stake in on the companies-- they offer the rebate BUT they are raising the interest rate percentages on the loans effectively erasing the discount. And there are countless stories about how selective the rules are for what cars they allow into the program...

No. Instead they bailed out the car companies, allowing them to get their books more balanced before selling to a foreign company? WHAT THE FUCK?! Shouldn't Fiat have had to buy the company WITH its debt? That basically means that the taxpayers gave their taxes to bail out a domestic company that has now become foreign owned.

This is all precisely why I don't talk about politics that often. It seems to be a cascading cluster-fuck of a conversation where there is too much politics involved and not enough wisdom. Plus it all starts to sounds a little too paranoid of grand conspiracies. But THEY won't let me tell you about the weather control, the earthquake and tsunami machine, or the Freemasons...

I want original recipe, you MOFOs!

2009-07-24T14:00:00Z

We were in Vons (one of the 3 big local grocery chains) the other day and gave into the impulse buy of Triple Chocolate Chewy Cookies. Did you catch that? They are supposed to be CHEWY damnit! We were hungry and running all over the place doing errands and cracked them open. The texture was totally off. They weren't crispy or soft-style. Some mushy place inbetween. Had to be a mistake right? So a day later we return them to a different Vons and get another package.

The same thing.

When its in the title you expect it to be part of the final product. If you bought air-puffed marshmallows and got a bunch of flaccid, third world country bra-less floppy marshmallows, you 'd be pretty pissed right? You shouldn't fuck with someone's junk food!
At the risk of sounding a bit too much like an old man with his "in the good old days" speeches, this isn't the first time the good stuff has slipped in some weird slight of hand sort of way.
Oreos aren't the same anymore. My (unprovable) theory is that they are aerating the cookie part of the Oreo to get more cookies out of the batch of ingredients. Why do I think this you may ask? How many broken cookies do you get in a batch of oreos now? AND when you dip them in milk they really, really fall apart, not just get tasty like they used to.

So Vons has tried skimping out by not including enough or any of the marshmallow to make the cookies chewy.

But that's not the only scam that the local groceries are trying to pull. Have you noticed how most groceries stores are having "family friendly" sales in these hard economic times? Um, if they were able to sell products at a reduced rate why didn't they sell them at that reduced rate all along? Because that is the real secret recipe. The usually inidentifiable aftertaste that is always there. The recipe is that there will always be skimping wherever possible as long as they can maintain the illusion of that happy palatable "freshness". It's the MSG of the business world. The prices will always be as high as they can while telling everyone how amazingly low they are reducing to give you better discounts.

Chew on that. Even if they do remove the marshmallows.

Glad I Didn't Ask for an Art Grant

2009-07-17T16:55:54Z

So, I was asked the other day if I had any ideas for an art installation. I had a few ideas rattling around, including one that could use (but not necessarily require) prop money as part of the dressing.

Being the good citizen that I am (no sarcasm there: I report all stuff for taxes, we pay overinflated car-registration fees), I thought I should contact the government to see if there are guidelines, like printing specifications or a referral to a place that sells legal fake currency.

Here's how I contacted the (my, yours, our) government:

This may sound like a strange question, but is there an "authorized" version of fake currency allowed to merchants or artists for display purposes?

I am an artist and had an idea for project that would require the appearance of money (but obviously not intended to use it as currency). I thought I would formally ask the government before doing anything myself and getting charged with forgery or counterfeiting.

My goal would be to use the fake currency as part of an art installation focusing on how people waste their time, energy and money.

Thanks.

Two days later (which is actually pretty good turnaround time for one little question), I got this response:

Thank you for contacting USA.gov.

We have received your e-mail inquiry regarding if the use of counterfeit currency is authorized to merchants or artists for displaying purposes.

Your inquiry would be best addressed by contacting the U.S. Secret Service.

The Secret Service investigates violations of laws relating to:

Counterfeiting of obligations and securities of the United States. Financial crimes that include, but are not limited to, access device fraud, identity theft, financial institution fraud and computer fraud. Computer-based attacks on the nation's financial, banking and telecommunications infrastructure.

You may wish to contact your local Secret Service field office at: http://www.secretservice.gov/field_offices.shtml

or you may also contact other departments of the Secret Service at: http://www.secretservice.gov/contact.shtml

We hope you find this information helpful.

Regards,
USA.gov Citizen Response Team

I was a little confused and offended. Though I suppose technically I was asking about what would be considered "counterfeit" currency, I was asking for a prop: where I might get it and not permission to make anything myself. It's not like I said: "Um, yeah... do you know if I can have some of that multi-color dyed paper with the multicolor fibers running through it? Oh and by the way, can you send me some of those little metal strips put in the bills? Also, who did the official Presidential portrait etchings? Can I have their contact info?"

I am sure anyone is familiar with the phrase "Ask a stupid question..."

So, I think when you ask a legitimate question and get a stupid answer, you should be allowed to ask a ridiculously stupid clarifying question. So I did:

RE: Other [T20090616007E]

I am writing BACK because you turned a simple question into forwarding me to the SECRET SERVICE! I was just asking for basic information regarding prop money used in movies and television. Are you trying to tell me that in the instance of the end of Lethal Weapon 2 that that was all real money that was lit on fire and dropped into the ocean, all supervised by the Secret Service? I specifically cite that movie as it was before CGI was heavily introduced to work around such issues (and such pyrotechnics!).

I will NOT be pursuing my idea, thanks to what can easily foreseen as way too much bureaucracy to accomplish what was supposed to be a fun diversion as part of an art installation. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I hope I am not on some "list" now, but I don't understand why there was such difficulty with asking a question of the government. I hope I wasn't asking anything new or asking something beyond their mental capacity. I hope that there is indeed some set of rules written somewhere that addresses the permissible use and distribution and allowances for prop currency.

Remember, it's still all about the HOPE (Hope! Hope! Everyone has HOPE now! Can't improve your mortgage interest rate with hope or put hope toward a down payment, can you?) for and not necessarily the actual accountability of facts, decisions, and policies. Take your pick.

Pay Me Before, During, and After

2009-06-20T16:45:31Z

I am coming across what I feel is an overabundance of galleries (well, spaces rented out by people calling themselves galleries in the interest of making money without their primary focus being the sale of art) charging hanging fees.

I am on the fence about it, because, truth be told, if there was a prominent gallery that would be good for the ol' resume and had a reputation for showing work that tends to sell, I would be inclined to opt in.

The Big But:

I am finding a large number of places who are hosting, on a monthly basis, "small works" shows that boast about hosting hundreds of artists. They "allow" artists to have several pieces in the show and charge 15-30 bucks per piece for handling and hanging. Bullshit. That means that the gallery doesn't have to have any true interest in actually selling any art in order to stay in business. Their operating costs are taken care of before the show even opens. Add on to that the strange local custom of charging admission to patrons on opening nights.

It is part of a gallery's responsibility to hang art. I am pulling out an oldie here, but Doi! It is the curatorial process to pick art and artists whose work is connected somehow to the gallery, whether it's thematic to a specific event or to the genre the gallery customarily shows.

Plus, galleries get a commission for sales, which is compensation (well-deserved) for their selling of the art by motivating new buyers or pulling from their previous clients with the appropriate preferences. I totally get the commission thing. I am not the best salesman,and that's the risk a gallery takes to host the art. The rent and other overhead of owning a gallery are paid for by the commissions they earn.

I recently stepped into a steaming pile that caught me by surprise. I was looking over ads in the artists section of Craigslist and spotted this beauty:

Call for Artists - ********** Gallery
Reply to: ********************************
Date: ********************

**********, a new contemporary art gallery located in ********* and opening in August, 2009, is currently putting together its 2009-2010 show schedule. The gallery will be presenting a mix of solo, two and three-person, and themed group shows in 4-6 week intervals.

We are on the lookout for artists to join our roster of talent - the main curator lived in ******** for 4 years and would love to bring the amazing talent from ******* down to ********.

If you're looking for some ********* exposure, please visit our website for gallery description and submission guidelines:

LINK

So I followed the link and saw among regular guidelines:

Submission Costs

A $20 administrative fee is required for all submisions. We know it sucks, but life isn't fair, time is money and this helps separate the jokers from those with serious intentions. We will accept cash, check or you can pay online using paypal by clicking here:

Did you catch that and its full meaning? Would you pay someone who is hiring just to look at your resume? Fuck no, right? His time is more important than your time, not to mention the time and money one would have to invested to create a body of work AND have a website built, photos taken of the work, and/or any mailing costs to submit the files.

In trying to be fair, I contacted the gallery:

Hello,

My name is LD Grant, and I'm responding to a craigslist post I read in which ProjectX Art Gallery is looking for new artists. Since "time IS money," I thought I would save us both some and just give you the link to my website.

http://www.gutterfresh.com

That way you can see faster and with less formality if I am a good fit for your gallery and get a better sense of who I am and what I do. Then the $20 submission fee I save can be better spent on materials to create more art for your gallery and make us both some money.

Please feel free to contact me with any questions or to schedule an interview

Thank you for your time and consideration,
LD Grant

The response I got (partly) was:

I like your line of reasoning (and your Pedestrian story better).

What I don't like is the navigation in the gallery section of your website. This is exactly why we are charging a $20 administrative fee: it is extremely difficult to review your work given the lack of simple "next" and "previous" or similar navigation. Picky I know, but when I'm trying to cut you a break and waive the $20 fee, it matters.

The art I did see looks promising though, I can tell you that. If you're willing to pay the submission fee, I'm willing to deal with your site navigation and do a thorough review. If not, best of luck- I'm sure you're doing fine up in LA with this work.

I particularly like the compliment to smooth over the fact that I should still pay him some money. The dude read through an article on Pedestrian Rage (rather than "cutting me a break" and looking through the actual art) yet couldn't handle navigating through a site that has multiple search and super-simple categorizations? He could have looked over by year, color, etc., but for him it was "extremely difficult."

I'd hate to see this guy's house. He must have to special-order all of his books on scroll, because turning that page is "extremely difficult."

All his foods must be prepped in the backyard over a fire pit, kabob-style, because using an oven is "extremely difficult." (The stick is for cooking with AND eating off!) Maybe he supplements his entire diet by eating a lot Lunchables, too. Constructing a sandwich without all of the components handed to you in one package might prove "extremely difficult."

I don't know if this guy survived the digital TV transition... maybe he is still on the helpline as I write this. He probably has no doors on any of the rooms ("extremely difficult"), just tarp hanging from the frames. Plus, there's a Clapper in every room; finding and using a switch is "extremely difficult," although I heard that if you visit him, he'll turn on the TV and a lamp if you give him $5... in advance, via Paypal, of course.

Exorcising X-Girlfriends

2007-04-04T04:25:15Z

Killing them with kindness OR The uncomfortably visible boner.

So... hear that? It is the third day of silence. The third day after a second e-mail from an ex-girlfriend of mine. It was an out of the blue "so how are you doing? my life is great... blah, blah, blah."

I don't have a problem with that, except--this chick disappeared on me. I (in retrospect made a bigger deal about how much into her I really was) was into her. We talked nightly for hours and hours. She hiroshima'd my phone bill. We had phone sex a few times--before we even made out! Which only happened twice.

And then some lame-o excuses came up. She had some huge work project due. A project that she knew about for six months at least. And she couldn't take any break. Then a friend of hers had her father died.

Now I know you may be thinking, oooh that's harsh. But I got some back story: The dude had been TERMINALLY ill for a couple years. Terminal. No surprises, no how did this happen, etc. And for the record, my dad died of cancer, which I only bring up on few occasions. 1.When people ask me why I have a problem with smoking. or 2. When people get overly distraught and don't know how to deal with someone dying.

When someone is terminally ill, you are sad for yourself and mostly relieved for them when they go. They are free from the pain caused whatever illness they have.

I mean, really--how many people live too long and fulfill all of their goals and dreams? Life is short, but stick with me the story is going to get funny again.

After about two weeks of what I am sure she thought were just bang-up excuses for blowing me off, she stopped returning calls, calling, e-mailing... nothing.

Let me give a little more preamble by saying that in order to pull this one off, you need to have a cool wife (girlfriend, partner, etc).

So here's the e-mail from her:

Hey,

I have no idea if you will get this email, but I thought I'd give it a shot. I was emptying out a basket and it had a stack of letters from a few years back. The one you sent me with the "hi" cutout on the envelope... Ring a bell? Anyway, I apologize for not writing until now. I wasn't sure how to get in contact with you (I've been known to change my email address often so I just assume everyone else does as well). Anyway, your email address was in that letter so I thought I'd say hello. Hello. How are you? How are things?

Hope you're doing well...
S

So I am thinking, what the hell is this shit? "I wasn't sure how to get in contact with you." You look in your fucking in-box or sent folder. So I couldn't stand for this glossing over of her rudeness to me in the past.

I carry a grudge like Atlas does the world.

So I thought, what would be the equivalent of an anal electrode? Really awkward kindness. So I wrote:

Uhm, hey

do you remember who this is?

It has been like what, 4 years? I am married with two
dogs in california after about two and a half years of
living in miami florida. I am showing work in an LA
gallery on a regular basis... hmmm what else?

If you are good and are ever visiting LA maybe you can
have a threesome with me and my wife. we could
probably teach you a few things!

i mean that in a friendly way.

whats up with you? has alot changed with you?

later

So that has got to send her packing right? Women hate being objectified--up front in a demeaning way. On a very limited basis (minute), it can be fun. But NO. she writes back and tries to ignore my (UN)subtle message with this:

Okay...so I was just in the middle of typing you an email when the screen went funny and it opened up a blank email for me. Weird. Maybe you'll get a couple emails from me... the first one being just a few random sentences.

What's new with me? Well, I'm married, barefoot, & pregnant. And I've got 4 kids. Just kidding...about all of that. Guess it wasn't so funny, now was it?

So anyway, LA huh? Very cool. I may be moving to San Diego next summer, but it's not set in stone so I don't want to get my hopes up. It's a beautiful place to live so I'm hoping we end up there. We probably won't know anything until the end of October or early November. Other than possibly moving, nothing else is really new. I bought a house about 4 years ago -- still there. I've got a dog. His name is Milton and he's a beagle. 2 years old. I'm looking to adopt another beagle from a shelter, but I have yet to do it. I'm still teaching special ed, but I now teach in Morton Grove. Next year I'll be teaching in Algonquin. Okay, my aides just got here so I really need to get to work. It's the last week of summer school - thank goodness. I'm exhausted!

What's the name of the gallery in LA? Do they have a website? I'd like to see some of your work.

Congratulations on getting married! Very exciting. What is your wife's name? Please let her know I'm not crazy, although I have begun to stalk to you guys. Okay, that's really not funny again is it... (and you realize I am kidding about the stalking, right?)

Okay, hope you're doing well. Congrats on showing your work - that's really cool.

S

Hell no, right? Light conversation after ANOTHER "okay..." dismissal. I needed to put an end to it ( or a really perverted beginning in case of the Hawking-ly improbable chance she liked it). Here is my last correspondence:

Dear S,

In all honesty, I expected directly propositioning you to stop you in your tracks. Since it didn't seem to faze you I will assume you may be game.

April says hi. If you are moving to San Diego that puts you close enough to be a part time sex slave then right? I would say full time but our place is a bit cozy in the hills of Los Angeles, and we just dont have the proper space to tie you up on a long term basis.

Don't worry, your gymnastics background keeps you a very high ranking candidate. But could you send us a few pics? Thanks, that would be great!

The gallery is The Hive Gallery if you are still interested. I will be a featured artist next June (they were really booked far in advance before I first contacted them)

Looking forward to some pictures...

Us

It has been three days since that was sent, and I am betting it wasn't lost in the mail.

Not much else to say except... yeah, I did it. And I am proud of it. I am tired of people not having any honesty or general respect. Making them face up to their own behavior by putting them in an overly honest and uncomfortable situation is almost druglike in its devious payoff.

Fireside Tales by Kevin Dick or...

2007-03-15T04:24:36Z

Oops, I Crapped My Pants.

(The following is an account of worst case scenario of one of my friends, Kevin Dick-- written by Kevin Dick)

So it's lunch time, and I have eaten my tofu curry from My Thai, and I am cleaning out the bowl I use when I felt the need to float an air biscuit. Normally I can be discreet about it, and this was no exception. I could ease this one out and there would be no noise. Open bay door one. Prepare to fire. There it goes, and...

Oh God.

No. Did I... Oh Dear Lord in Heaven.

Kevin Adams eat your heart out. I shit my pants. No. Can't be. Oh yeah.

That's liquid alright. What do I do? I can't believe this! There was no warning! Usually there's a gurgling or the tympani sound of your bowls dropping three floors. Nothing! I haven't crapped my pants since I was three (okay, maybe six) and I fucking crapped my pants at work!

Immediately I bee-lined to the door. Hello colleague! Top-O' the Mornin' to ya'. Don't mind that smell, it's just shit! Quickly to the bathroom.

Quickly now. One foot in front of the other. How could I crap myself?

My two-and-a-half year old nephew has better continence than this. "Mommy, mommy, look! The pony poo poo'd and pee pee'd." So did your uncle, 27 years your senior. I'm not a big boy. I don't get a star for using the potty. I fucking soiled my underroos!

A free stall! Yes! I drop my pants. Oh boy. Houston, we have a problem. The brown menace in my boxers had infiltrated the blue jean border. I remember Michael remarking at Christmas about how he can't wear boxers, but I'm sure this was not one of his reasons, and now I had defiled the $80 jeans he bought me. I needed a plan.

I start the clean up process of the Superfund site in my pants. There is no imaginable maxi-pad like protective barrier that could have prevented this. A bed sheet maybe. What did I eat? Motor oil? Seven cartons of Wow potato chips? I run through the list. Banana, apple crisp (oats! there's fiber in that!), tofu broccoli, chili, saag paneer...sweet potato puree.

Yep, these could combine like an deranged superhero of feces to create the unholy pudding that inhabited my dungarees.

Of course, I work on the 2nd floor, which has the public bathroom that everyone uses. Two people enter the bathroom. It is after lunch. One enters the stall next to me and drops trough. The other, a fly-by shitter, fakes a piss in the urinal and immediately exits to search for another location. It smells like holy hell in my stall. The man next to me proceeds to get stage fright and decides to play the waiting game. Oh no, buddy. You are not winning this game of chicken. I am staying right here until you leave, so I had better here some plop plop or it is going to be a long rest of the day. He folds and does the fake wipe, flush, hand wash without soap. Off to more solitary environs.

I figure I have about fifteen seconds before the next wave of customers to get my boxers off and pants back on. Imagine this - you walk into the bathroom and someone in the stall appears to have one leg out of their pants. Would you report it to security?

I get my boxers off and jeans back on, clean up, use two rolls of toilet paper, flush, throw my boxers in the trash and bury them in an avalanche of paper towels. Sorry cleaning person. I am now commando. I wash my hands. I wash my hands again. The unmistakable, evil smell of human excrement wafts up at me from the stain on my jeans and I realize that should anyone get within two feet of me they will know that I have defiled myself.

About two blocks away is the State St. shopping district, and it is in this direction I now make haste toward. I pass a few homeless men and I think "Now I know; I know my friend, the shitting of the pants." I laugh at myself uncontrollably and pretend to be on my cell phone to avoid looking like a lunatic. How could this happen? Thankfully the Chicago wind masks my smell.

I enter Urban Outfitters. Quickly to the jeans department. Great! A sale!

I search for my size. "Can I help you sir?" "No thanks, please don't get too close." I find my size, I think. I've never bought Urban Outfitters jeans. Should I try them on? Then I remember "I'm not wearing any fucking
underwear!". "Excuse me, Ma'am. Do you sell boxer shorts? I shit myself and need to replace mine as I have thrown them away and am currently nude under my jeans". "No, but you can order them online." Aaargh! I need them NOW! I am not wearing any! I grab a pair of socks, just in case someone suspects my poo pants issue. No, I'm not buying new jeans because I stained mine with shit. I have socks too - see?

I get in line. The person behind me is close and starts rummaging through impulse items. Oh no, missy. You will want to back away real quick-like if you know what's good for you. The cashier calls me up. I can't make eye contact. Yes, receipt in the bag, fine, just give me the goddam bag.

Back at the building where I work I find a bathroom where I usually go for privacy. There is a guy in one stall. Now I play the fly-by shitter. Boy, this fake pee is sure taking a long time. Finally he leaves. I proceed to get naked from the waste down in the stall of an office building. Any dignity I still had, now gone. I change my jeans and stuff the nasty ones in the bag with the socks. Sorry socks.

Back to the office I add deodorant liberally and use a double dollop of lavender hand cream to mask any remaining poo-ness. I proceed to sit for the rest of the afternoon and day dream about a shower. Or maybe a sandblaster.

God's Revenge

2006-02-13T05:24:07Z

So I was thinking while half-watching yet another makeover celeb surgery show:

There's all these people getting stuff lopped off or shifted around on purpose... but what about the people who lose things by accident, like arms or legs, and and what about war victims? If their legs are waiting for them in Heaven, what about the elective surgery people?

If a celebrity does make it to Heaven (not Halle Berry or Matthew Broderick, of course, both of whom have wrecklessly killed or injured people and gotten away with it because of their celebrity), do they get all their original parts back?

Think of all of the noses, teeth, boobs, fat, and hair (that's a funny and scary one) up there at the Gate. And if they had to leave all of their money and fame at the door, wouldn't that be great? Uncelebritization as Apocalypse. The former celebrity section up in Heaven would look more like a Wal-Mart shoppers' convention crapped straight out of suburbia. I would love to see that, the glamorous stripped of the goods and given back all of their physical flaws.

I would have to really straighten out my life and be good to get to Heaven to see it for myself. But I probably would love it so much that I'd get kicked out of Heaven for being too spiteful.

The "Artistic Integrity" of Barbers

2006-01-17T05:23:27Z

I was in desperate need of a haircut after three or four weeks of living in LA.

So, we (April, my sister Meem, and I, all in need of cuts) headed over to Rudy's Barbershop - Silverlake. It's next to a cool store I had gone to before (Uncle Jer's), it's only a minute from our place, and there were plenty of the tragic hipsters mulling about, so I figured that's an easy choice to get a decent haircut. We went in and got added to a waiting list controlled by the great unwashed. I swear, half the people looked like they were extra-greasy on purpose to achieve a look.

The wait was about 40 minutes.

And then I was called to the resident genius, Liz. Liz looked like she needed to eat about six cheeseburgers, get a good night's sleep, and get a haircut.

She led me to her station. I sat in the chair and told her what I wanted -- something really tight around the sides and back, spiky and easy mohawky up the middle. Sounded clear, and seemed like she understood. We've all seen a variation on this one, unless you are in an unfortunate rural location somewhere, dialing up to connect on your Dell.

First, Liz tried with the flirt chat. Any guy knows this. It's when a woman in sales or service is way more nice to you than you have ever been treated by casual acquaintances. I hate that. I shut it down and worked my wife into the conversation whenever she was trying too hard, because for those of you who don't know: It's all about getting your hair shampooed. You want to lay back and have your hair washed and head rubbed while a good-smelling woman has her rack inches away from your face. It's the guilty pleasure. It's why most straight men consciously enter a salon atmosphere for their haircut.

Liz did not shampoo me, or offer to.

She started trimming away, chatting with me about the horrors of Florida and the null and void of Miami "culture." And it was all over so fast. You know how you can't really tell whether it's a good cut until the hair is styled or rewashed? She took the drapery off (whatever you call that thing that they wrap over you to stop the hair clippings from getting all over the place) and then said (very slightly paraphrased), "Well, I didn't give you what you asked for. We have been seeing too many of those lately, so some of us don't do them anymore. I refuse to do them ever. You'll thank me."

I was stunned. I put my hat back on the lazy business cut I was then stuck with -- and went home.

It took a while to sink in. WTF just happened? "The customer is always right." Wrong. But the customer should be allowed to request a service and be denied before the job is accepted. In no profession is it acceptable to do what you feel like on a job when asked and expected to do something else. "Mrs. Hildebrand, I know you came in for a check-up, but I felt like giving you a hysterectomy and I threw in a Brazilian wax for the hell of it." NO! It does not work that way.

So Liz had some vision and work ethic to live up to. Fine. But she did not have the balls, maturity, class, professionalism (brain?) to tell me that BEFORE she started cutting my hair?! Stylists, haircutters, barbers -- they don't get to dictate your style unless you sit in the chair and say, "Do whatever." Otherwise, they are deferring to your requests and fashion.

Throughout history, hairstyles are dictated by fashion, and you know about 80% of hairstyles are laughable in retrospect, but at the time they are, well... timely. And you know what style I am seeing too much of lately? Neo-hippie/hipster unwashed unkempt bohemian.

So Liz and her upright giving-only-meritous-haircuts contemporaries can't stop them. Because the style seems to be not getting their haircut.

Open Hostel-ity

2006-01-05T05:22:54Z

Yes, I am a glutton for punishment. I decided to go back to the movies, this time to see Hostel because I was a fool to listen to the endorsement of Quentin Tarantino. i might as well listen to the endorsement of Lindsay Wagner (aka Miss Lonelyhearts) and buy one of those adjustomatic mattresses.

I don't care if I spoil anything for anyone, but isn't this like some sort of variation on Motel Hell, except they don't quite get to the making-sausages-out-of-the-guests part. Oh, and I don't think that movie had as many boobs and Eurotrash sluts in it.

So let me save you some money if I can. Instead of going to the theater to see Hostel, you should stay in and rent Motel Hell. But before you watch it, turn on Showtime or Cinemax and watch about 25 minutes of soft-core -- because that is exactly what happens in Hostel before the plot develops.

I have had drunken, pizza-fueled stream-of-consciousness delusions that had more cohesive plot movement than that fucking movie.

On second thought, I will give you an even cheaper alternative to that movie:

Start fantasizing about any cheap celeb slut (some ideas are Bai Ling, Tara Reid, or Pamela Anderson), but imagine them unairbrushed, smelly, filthy, and speaking a foreign language. Next, before coming to terms with that, pull some meat out of the fridge and tenderize it with something inappropriately heavy and awkward -- like a toaster or an iron. There. You just saved some money and gave yourself the same social disconnect the movie provides.

I am sure 11- to 13-year-olds loved the movie. But remember this is also the demographic most likely to injure themselves having sex with a vacuum cleaner.