The Art of LD Grant, Los Angeles Artist
West Coast Lowbrow Art by LD Grant at Gutterfresh
LD Grant - Pedestrian Rage

I’m getting out of this game. Pedestrianism. If that is indeed a word. Fuck it. I can’t take anymore. Some lessons only need to be learned once, and some thoughts—no matter if they are in the interest of self-preservation—are not healthy ones. There’s something a bit off in thinking, “I better stay between those crosswalk lines, because in the off case where I survive the collision, maybe I can get enough settlement money to buy a car.”

Ladies and gents, welcome to my Pedestrian Rage.

Now with the whitening power of science AND Atheism!

Ever wonder how to get rid of those pesky door to door mormons and whiten your teeth at the same time? Here's how!

The other day I am working in the studio and it happens to be the 30 minutes when I have the whitening strips in.

An aside here-- does anyone else find whitening strips as hellish as I do? Its not that I normally have a problem with not speaking for a half hour at a time, it is just that there is never any explicit mention of the side effects on the commercial...
Simultaneously dry your throat out and create copious amounts of stringy foamy spittle that fills your mouth (that you aren't supposed to swallow). Then if you can persevere you may need a pair of pliers to get the film off your teeth, all the while spreading the aforementioned drool over your fingers, mouth, and beard (yes, it makes you grow a beard too!)

I hear the doorbell and go out to investigate. At the security gate are 2 teenage Mormons, bible in hand and barely a hello before they start rattling into their usual speech.
I try pointing to my throat in what I thought was the universal sign for "I can't talk". Looking somewhat confused but still going through their robotic program of talk, talk, talking, they go on.

So I try to spell out "I can't talk" letter by letter using sign language. Apparently I am a bit rusty because they started looking nervous AND confused, as if I was casting a spell on them. Ever see an anxious chimpanzee? That faux smile, exposing all of the teeth while the head tends to wobble back and forth in a subtle "NO" pattern (sometimes a tight figure 8 as if they can't decide whether they agree or disagree with what is going on). That what was on the other side of the gate, times two.
I give up on the sign language and have to spit before I can even try to talk. So they see me spit out the stringy, foamy liquid I was talking about and say:
"Cant awk" More spit oozes over my lips and is now trailing into and dangling from my beard.
(and in an effort to get rid of them quickly)
"Af Sumfin?" and now I am mopping up my face with the sleeve of my hoody which is causing stringy spit trails between my sleeve, face and beard. A salivaweb constantly dripping apart to the ground below.

"Well there's this" and he proceeds to try to pass me a Mormon bible.

At this point I am a little mad both at them for not taking a hint and myself for coming out in the first place so I say

"NO! GimmeFamflef! (give me a pamphlet)

And now the spit is actually flying. Some of it making little streamers from my face to the gate and I am forced to spit again.

Angry guy frothing at the mouth must be the uncrossable line with trying to spread the word door to door.

A mumbled "sorry" and the pamphlet tucked into the security gate-- not even handed to me and then a brisk power walk away.

No have a good day, no God be with you, nothing.

While I cannot speak to the clarity of my everlasting soul, I can attest to my teeth being visibly whiter after 3 days.