Killing them with kindness OR The uncomfortably visible boner.
So... hear that? It is the third day of silence. The third day after a second e-mail from an ex-girlfriend of mine. It was an out of the blue "so how are you doing? my life is great... blah, blah, blah."
I don't have a problem with that, except--this chick disappeared on me. I (in retrospect made a bigger deal about how much into her I really was) was into her. We talked nightly for hours and hours. She hiroshima'd my phone bill. We had phone sex a few times--before we even made out! Which only happened twice.
And then some lame-o excuses came up. She had some huge work project due. A project that she knew about for six months at least. And she couldn't take any break. Then a friend of hers had her father died.
Now I know you may be thinking, oooh that's harsh. But I got some back story: The dude had been TERMINALLY ill for a couple years. Terminal. No surprises, no how did this happen, etc. And for the record, my dad died of cancer, which I only bring up on few occasions. 1.When people ask me why I have a problem with smoking. or 2. When people get overly distraught and don't know how to deal with someone dying.
When someone is terminally ill, you are sad for yourself and mostly relieved for them when they go. They are free from the pain caused whatever illness they have.
I mean, really--how many people live too long and fulfill all of their goals and dreams? Life is short, but stick with me the story is going to get funny again.
After about two weeks of what I am sure she thought were just bang-up excuses for blowing me off, she stopped returning calls, calling, e-mailing... nothing.
Let me give a little more preamble by saying that in order to pull this one off, you need to have a cool wife (girlfriend, partner, etc).
So here's the e-mail from her:
Hey,
I have no idea if you will get this email, but I thought I'd give it a shot. I was emptying out a basket and it had a stack of letters from a few years back. The one you sent me with the "hi" cutout on the envelope... Ring a bell? Anyway, I apologize for not writing until now. I wasn't sure how to get in contact with you (I've been known to change my email address often so I just assume everyone else does as well). Anyway, your email address was in that letter so I thought I'd say hello. Hello. How are you? How are things?
Hope you're doing well...
S
So I am thinking, what the hell is this shit? "I wasn't sure how to get in contact with you." You look in your fucking in-box or sent folder. So I couldn't stand for this glossing over of her rudeness to me in the past.
I carry a grudge like Atlas does the world.
So I thought, what would be the equivalent of an anal electrode? Really awkward kindness. So I wrote:
Uhm, hey
do you remember who this is?
It has been like what, 4 years? I am married with two
dogs in california after about two and a half years of
living in miami florida. I am showing work in an LA
gallery on a regular basis... hmmm what else?If you are good and are ever visiting LA maybe you can
have a threesome with me and my wife. we could
probably teach you a few things!i mean that in a friendly way.
whats up with you? has alot changed with you?
later
So that has got to send her packing right? Women hate being objectified--up front in a demeaning way. On a very limited basis (minute), it can be fun. But NO. she writes back and tries to ignore my (UN)subtle message with this:
Okay...so I was just in the middle of typing you an email when the screen went funny and it opened up a blank email for me. Weird. Maybe you'll get a couple emails from me... the first one being just a few random sentences.
What's new with me? Well, I'm married, barefoot, & pregnant. And I've got 4 kids. Just kidding...about all of that. Guess it wasn't so funny, now was it?
So anyway, LA huh? Very cool. I may be moving to San Diego next summer, but it's not set in stone so I don't want to get my hopes up. It's a beautiful place to live so I'm hoping we end up there. We probably won't know anything until the end of October or early November. Other than possibly moving, nothing else is really new. I bought a house about 4 years ago -- still there. I've got a dog. His name is Milton and he's a beagle. 2 years old. I'm looking to adopt another beagle from a shelter, but I have yet to do it. I'm still teaching special ed, but I now teach in Morton Grove. Next year I'll be teaching in Algonquin. Okay, my aides just got here so I really need to get to work. It's the last week of summer school - thank goodness. I'm exhausted!
What's the name of the gallery in LA? Do they have a website? I'd like to see some of your work.
Congratulations on getting married! Very exciting. What is your wife's name? Please let her know I'm not crazy, although I have begun to stalk to you guys. Okay, that's really not funny again is it... (and you realize I am kidding about the stalking, right?)
Okay, hope you're doing well. Congrats on showing your work - that's really cool.
S
Hell no, right? Light conversation after ANOTHER "okay..." dismissal. I needed to put an end to it ( or a really perverted beginning in case of the Hawking-ly improbable chance she liked it). Here is my last correspondence:
Dear S,
In all honesty, I expected directly propositioning you to stop you in your tracks. Since it didn't seem to faze you I will assume you may be game.
April says hi. If you are moving to San Diego that puts you close enough to be a part time sex slave then right? I would say full time but our place is a bit cozy in the hills of Los Angeles, and we just dont have the proper space to tie you up on a long term basis.
Don't worry, your gymnastics background keeps you a very high ranking candidate. But could you send us a few pics? Thanks, that would be great!
The gallery is The Hive Gallery if you are still interested. I will be a featured artist next June (they were really booked far in advance before I first contacted them)
Looking forward to some pictures...
Us
It has been three days since that was sent, and I am betting it wasn't lost in the mail.
Not much else to say except... yeah, I did it. And I am proud of it. I am tired of people not having any honesty or general respect. Making them face up to their own behavior by putting them in an overly honest and uncomfortable situation is almost druglike in its devious payoff.