Yes, I am a glutton for punishment. I decided to go back to the movies, this time to see Hostel because I was a fool to listen to the endorsement of Quentin Tarantino. i might as well listen to the endorsement of Lindsay Wagner (aka Miss Lonelyhearts) and buy one of those adjustomatic mattresses.
I don't care if I spoil anything for anyone, but isn't this like some sort of variation on Motel Hell, except they don't quite get to the making-sausages-out-of-the-guests part. Oh, and I don't think that movie had as many boobs and Eurotrash sluts in it.
So let me save you some money if I can. Instead of going to the theater to see Hostel, you should stay in and rent Motel Hell. But before you watch it, turn on Showtime or Cinemax and watch about 25 minutes of soft-core -- because that is exactly what happens in Hostel before the plot develops.
I have had drunken, pizza-fueled stream-of-consciousness delusions that had more cohesive plot movement than that fucking movie.
On second thought, I will give you an even cheaper alternative to that movie:
Start fantasizing about any cheap celeb slut (some ideas are Bai Ling, Tara Reid, or Pamela Anderson), but imagine them unairbrushed, smelly, filthy, and speaking a foreign language. Next, before coming to terms with that, pull some meat out of the fridge and tenderize it with something inappropriately heavy and awkward -- like a toaster or an iron. There. You just saved some money and gave yourself the same social disconnect the movie provides.
I am sure 11- to 13-year-olds loved the movie. But remember this is also the demographic most likely to injure themselves having sex with a vacuum cleaner.